The Curious Case of the Successful Underacheiver

Success-Kid

Okay, people. It’s time to get real again.

All the way real.

I am being honest when I say most of my life, I’ve found success giving maybe 50-60% effort. I’m serious and I know it may sound as if I’m full of myself.

I’m not.

But I also know I’m smart. I was a smart kid. It started off when my parents taught me math and English before I had to learn it in school. It wasn’t too hard. I was able to get it at a pretty early age. When I got to school and I was already ahead of everyone else, I learned a lesson that has been a running theme in my life: be smarter now so you can make more time to slack off.

Note that slacking off wasn’t necessarily about being lazy. It was more about doing things I loved doing. Y’know, reading, writing, drawing, being off in my own thoughts. Not homework.

Or… work in general.

So if I had a concentration in intelligence, it’d be the art of slacking off. I would keep myself smarter than most people, but I’d never actually really try to be number one. That was too much work. Top ten is a hell of a place to be in its own right, especially when you don’t actually care that much.

I know, I sound like I’m not a go-getter, but I totally am when I want to be. I’m just easily bored by traditional school and work. I guess that may be part of the ADD thing.

It wasn’t until I worked at my previous job when a fire was lit under my ass. At every job I had previously, I was always promoted quickly while giving only 60% effort. I was expecting the same thing here. Again, I know it sounds cocky, but I knew I was better than everyone on my team. I made sure of it because I wanted to be good enough to be asked to work on more interesting side projects. I set my goal to be smarter than the woman who trained me. The woman who couldn’t get the job I eventually did. You want to know how I got that job?

I gave 100%.

I gave 100% because I wasn’t promoted when I thought I should have been. Instead, my boss at the time put me on some BS two year plan to become a lead while he brought in some dude he knew to take the role.

Oh no he didn’t.

I was furious. That was the first time I experienced a situation where talent alone wasn’t enough to get by. After that I was on fire. I worked my ass off and eventually became the youngest Director at the time. Unfortunately, that was also the point when I began hating my job.

Er, disliking my job. I don’t want to be too hard on them. I found a lot of success there.

Now I’m back to my old ways, steadily finding success giving 60% and feeling far less stressed. Then a funny thing happened: I was checking my work email, eating chips because I was too lazy to buy actual groceries, thinking about what I’ve achieved so far this year compared to where I want to be once my fiancé and I are married.

Yeah… 60% ain’t cutting it.

So it’s time to use my brain and combine it with the drive to want to slack-off with my future wife. I’m putting this out there so I make sure there’s some level of accountability, even if no one else actually cares. I’m going at this 100%, especially since we’re not in the same country at the moment.

This also extends to how I’m treating my body and general health. I have to give myself props for how much effort I put into becoming mentally balanced. I owe it to myself to become physically balanced as well. Because a healthier me means a (hopefully) longer life with my fiancé, I’m going to go at that 100%.

Well, maybe 90%. I still like snacks and wine.

Anyway, I don’t think I’m special in any kind of way. I think there are many people out there who greater than the effort they put forth. Mostly because slacking off is awesome.

We both know it so let’s all stop pretending.

Still, there are moments in life where a person needs to have the discipline to go 100%. I’m in the midst of one of those moments now so it’s time to go hard. Not forever though. Sixty percent is my comfort zone long term.

Game time.

Peace out, party people.

Yo Dre, Why Are You Always Talking about Changing the World?

earth

I’ve been reconnecting with a lot of friends recently and it’s been cool to catch up with all of them. As I’ve shared with them the many changes I’ve gone through over the past year and a half or so, there has been a trend I’ve noticed: people asking me why I care so much about changing the world.

Wait… wanting the world to be a better place is a weird thing? LOL.

Okay, okay, I’ll explain it like this because after a call I had with my fiancé, I feel like I finally found the words to properly convey my mindset.

*deep breath*

Much like everyone else, most of my life was spent just trying to make my way through this world. I tried to play fair within the boundaries of the rules everyone told me to follow. There were exceptions, of course, but for the most part I was just the nice guy who had to earn his confidence over time rather than having it all my life.

Actually, I started off as a super confident kid, but adolescence isn’t for the weak of heart. A brother’s confidence caught a beat down, y’all.

There was also a nagging thought I had had ever since I was a kid: I’m alive right now and one day I won’t be. I kept that to myself for YEARS because I figured I’d be looked at like a weirdo if I started posing such esoteric concepts as a ten-year-old. Still, why was I alive? Am I supposed to just live and die and that’s it?

Was I a sinner for making a joke about Jesus? I mean, it’s Jesus, for… uh… Christ’s sake. He should know I’m kidding, right?

Am I supposed to spend my entire life working and hope that I stay alive long enough to enjoy retirement? That sounds like a bum deal.

I kid you not when I say I had these thoughts and questions for the majority of my life. I felt like an effing alien because no one else I knew seemed concerned about any of this.

Andre: King of the Weirdos.

During college and afterward, I met a handful of awesome, open-minded people. Folks who are fine with conversing about this stuff. Coupled with that, I soon found out that everything for which I had ambition (a high salary, lots of stuff, a misguided definition of love) brought me temporary happiness at best and straight up unhappiness at their worst. I mean, by and large I was a happy person, but every once in a while the disappointment of not being able to swallow society’s expectations of me and the goals I was taught to have manifested itself in not so pretty ways. In short, I was lost.

If only I knew I wasn’t alone, but people who are lost rarely see the big picture.

I took it upon myself to figure this thing out. I’d love to get into the details of how I did it, but not everyone in my personal life would be accepting of the choices I’ve made even if they’ve helped me for the better. I personally don’t care about the opinion of others, but I’m not about to stir the pot unnecessarily either. That being said, I figured myself out. I figured out that I was much more and much less than what I thought I was. To be specific, I’m not special. Not as an individual at least. But I’m also much more than just a man; I’m a part of everything. Just in the same way that a blood cell is both the individual cell and the blood. I am this reality in which I exist, the individual and the collective.

It may sound crazy to people who won’t get what I mean, but stick with me on this because it all ties back together.

I found my happiness and it was pretty awesome if I do say so myself. I spent some time patting myself on the back for having the wherewithal to discover my own answers while still being open to the beliefs of others. Unfortunately, I quickly discovered not everyone reciprocated this feeling. On top of that, I was all too aware that I didn’t actually care about the fancy job, having a bunch of stuff, or many of the other things I was taught to want. What was the point? My happiness and sense of peace was far more important and I learned I could have that independent of any external factors.

So why was I still here?

This next part may sound concerning if you don’t know me at all, but I’m not about to apologize for thoughts that crossed my mind. I seriously questioned why I should keep playing this unfair game of life. You know, the one where we’re expected to follow rules that not everyone is actually following. Where people hate, murder, cheat, steal, and whatever other vile acts humanity is capable of. Why do I want to continue working at a thankless job where I didn’t agree with many principles? I already found my happiness. What was the point of continuing? None of this would help me maintain my sense of inner peace. For all intents and purposes, I would have welcomed being done with life. Not in a negative way, but more like there was nothing I felt this world could offer me and I certainly didn’t want anything from this world either. I was happy being benign, but family, friends, and the rest of society had invested too much in me already. I wouldn’t be let off the hook that easily.

Sigh…

Then a funny thing happened: I met my soul mate aka my fiancé. The story of how we met is nothing short of fate. I say that because, seriously, how it happened is ridiculously improbable (I’ll save that for another day). The point is, I found my reason for enduring a life in which I had no stakes. Soon afterward I was laid off from my job, which turned out to be a blessing in disguise despite it being an initial burden. I had the opportunity to create a life that I wanted, not one shaped by what I was taught to want. I wasn’t about to sacrifice my own happiness again.

But then I looked at the the rest of world and couldn’t help being put off by all the ills around me. Remember, I saw myself as both the blood cell and the blood. I’m both the being and the reality. Therefore, how could I just sit idly by and be unconcerned with inequality, war, discrimination, greed, etc? That’s quite the impossible task given the way I think nowadays.

We’re all sharing the same house. If I was living with someone who treated me unfairly and was trashing our home, I would probably move out or ask them to leave. I don’t have that option. I have to figure out how to coexist in this house. But I don’t want to live in a sh*tty place either.

This time there are no questions. I have to do what I can to fix this house. Not just for me, but for all the people out there who are walking the path I once walked. We’re all just trying to figure our way through this life and we’re the victims or beneficiaries of people who came before us. That doesn’t excuse crappy behavior, but I understand why we aren’t living in utopia right now; there are a lot of lost people out there just trying to fit in where they can.

And this is why I want to bring positivity to this tiny, insignificant rock we call Earth. If I have to be here I’m going to do my damndest to only make an impact that helps rather than hurts. It’s why I’m going vegan. It’s why I want to exclusively use reusable energy. It’s why I’ll always be against our current form of capitalism. It’s why I’m writing this now. Believe me when I say I love you all and I only want to see you happy too. ALL OF YOU.

But I’ll always love my fiancé more. After all, I don’t know if I’d be here right now if it wasn’t for her, heh.

Peace out, party people.

We Have More Attachments Than a Zip File………………. NERD JOKE!

shackles

You know, after going through the experience of fasting, I realized something: it’s awesome to know I can give something up. Not forever or anything like that, but I like knowing that I don’t need anything.

Nothing controls me. Or, more accurately, I don’t give control to anything, even if it’s just a false sense of control.

At least that’s the goal.

I’ve been doing pretty well if I do say so myself, but I want to take this a step further. Why? Because I have a crazy addictive personality for things I like. It’s the reason why I grew up overweight and watched television cartoons for hours on end as a kid. It didn’t help that lasagna is effing delicious and the Ninja Turtles kicked ass.

Now as an adult, I’ve adopted a more balanced mentality. I feel like I’ve got it down in a “spiritual” way (I hate using that word sometimes because it can come with a lot of baggage, but I can’t think of a better one to use), but I can still find ways to improve in my everyday life.

So starting in May, I’m going to try giving up one thing a month. I think I’m going to start off with television and movies with the exception of anything that I need for The Gibbler Podcast. After that, who knows, but this is my path to living a more detached life.

There’s a difference between wanting and needing. The line is thin, no doubt about it, but sometimes we create that line in our minds. At least I do. I did with meat at one point. Sure, I never actually made the distinction of whether I needed or wanted it, but my actions told a different tale. I ate meat like I needed it. But having certain attachments can mean willingly feeding into a system where something is negatively impacted. So yeah, this is why I don’t want attachments to rule me.

Before May arrives, I’ll share some of the things I’ve given up permanently and how I managed to do it. Willpower can only go so far sometimes; I like having a strategy. Let’s see how this one goes!

Peace out, party people.

What Exactly Are You Suggesting, Google?

kevin spacey

I just started watching House of Cards recently. Little did I know this show was fueled by people’s love for Kevin Spacey and David Fincher projects, but apparently I fit that mold. Seriously, it was green lit due to positive research.

Metrics FTW.

Also, K-Pax FTW.

Anyway, I was speaking to a buddy of mine about the show and he decided to enlighten me on Kevin Spacey’s alleged sexuality.

Andre: Kevin Spacey is one of my favorite actors.

Buddy: You know he’s gay, right?

Andre: Is he? Well, so what?

Buddy: Oh, it’s not a big deal. I just find it funny that he’s tried to deny it all these years. I remember hearing about it back in the 90’s.

Andre: Eh, who cares? Who he has sex with doesn’t affect me.

Still, curiosity, as it often does, struck me. This was a thing since the 90’s? I had to verify this bold claim. I typed the following into Google:

Is Kevin Spacey

Now, I’ve always thought Google was good at suggesting whatever I might be looking for. Google suggested the following:

Is Kevin Spacey dead?

Is Kevin Spacey democrat?

Is Kevin Spacey in Call of Duty?

Nothing about him being gay. Well, that’s debunked! Or was it? I added one crucial letter, but the only suggestion I got back was…

Is Kevin Spacey good actor?

LOL. Grammar FTW.

I decided to finish typing in the rest of my search and I was flooded with tons of results about my favorite actor. Apparently my friend was right. At least about the rumors, that is. I didn’t care about the results though as I was more interested in Google’s suggestions. So I tried something else…

Is Obama

You know what one of the suggestions was?

Is Obama gay 2014?

Whoa, Google even suggested the year that Obama may or may not have been gay. That’s just weirdly specific.

So what’s up Google?  Personally don’t care about anyone’s sexuality specifically, but your suggestions are just… questionable sometimes. I mean, the internet has poked fun at your suggestions for a while now, but with this as well as you ranking the “truthfulness” of sites… I don’t know, man.

It’s all suspect. Sure, this is a small, silly example, but I put almost no effort into this and I found a weird discrepancy. What about more important topics? Will Google actually provide good suggestions? Will they promote “truthful” sites? Who the hell actually knows? I’d be stupid to say I do.

But I do know one thing: Kevin Spacey is effing awesome regardless of what a search engine tells me.

Antibiotics: They’re (not so) Magically Delicious!

antibiotics

The beautiful thing about life is how adaptable it is. Life seems to always find a way to exist in one form or another. When life already exists, it does its damndest to try and stay alive.

I admire you, life. You’re one tough S.O.B.

I was watching a documentary over the weekend called Resistance. It focused on the overuse of antibiotics in the US and, man oh man, am I glad I decided to go vegan.

I knew the US has a love affair with antibiotics, but the degree to which we use them is insane, especially in farms. I mean, sure, we’re over-prescribed them also, but 80% of antibiotics sold in the US are used for the farm industry.

Eighty. Percent.

Good Jeebus, that’s pretty freaking high, though it’s not completely surprising given the fact that many animals in farms live in close quarters surrounded by their own feces.

Yum.

I know the answer! Give them antibiotics! That way is surely better than not having disgusting living conditions for eventual food. Yup, that’s the ticket. The only problem is bacteria will develop resistance to antibiotics over time. That’s a fact. Scientists have even found ground turkey that has a strain of salmonella that’s resistant to all antibiotics. All of them.

Yum.

So by pumping antibiotics into everything, we kill off most bacteria and leave behind the resistant ones. Life, once again, found a way to survive. I’m sure we’ll find a way to survive too, but we need to correct this bad behavior. In order to accomplish this, we need to put pressure on the farm industry. They’re providing food you put in your and your family’s bodies. That’s a big deal, right?

As for me, I’m going to be even more vigilant about the food products I buy (it’s easier now that I’m going vegan). I know not everyone has the means to do so, but those of us that do may want to bypass convenience for a way that’s better for our future health. We all have to adapt sometime.

Experiment Complete: What I Learned from My Fast

Photo Credit: Moyan Brenn

Photo Credit: Moyan Brenn

I finished my fast, y’all! I’m not going to lie; it was tough, but rewarding. Want to know what I took out of the experience? No? Too bad because I’m going to let you know anyway.

  1. I feel lighter. Not in a weight type of way, though I suppose a fast will do that also. I mean I feel spiritually lighter. “Spiritual” is a word that can come with some baggage, but the way that I’m using it refers to my sense of being. I feel less stressed (not that I had much) and I have a ton of energy.
  2. I have renewed clarity. I now have a much better sense of what I want to do with my life going forward. Not specifics, mind you, but a general direction. I’ll definitely be writing about this more, but my focus is to make a positive impact on this world as much as possible.
  3. Food tastes MF’ing awesome. Do you know what I first ate after fasting? Grapes. And I kid you not when I say those were the most delicious grapes I’ve ever had. There’s something about deprivation that makes you appreciate the most common things like, I don’t know, the flavor of good, natural food.
  4. I’m officially out of my creative rut. The inspiration is back, baby! I’ve been writing like a madman and I can’t wait until this book is done.
  5. My eating and sleeping patterns have been reset. I’m actually getting 7-8 hours of sleep a night and I’m now eating smaller, but more frequent meals. I think the former was brought about by the meditation as well, but I can’t say for sure.

All in all it was an awesome experience and I’m grateful for the lessons I learned. Fasting isn’t for everyone, but it definitely did a world of good for me. As an aside, I just read this awesome article on IFL Science that talks about the benefits of intermittent fasting (http://www.iflscience.com/health-and-medicine/how-fasting-might-make-our-cells-more-resilient-stress).

Kind of convenient timing, no?

Anyway, I may do this from time to time just to have a reset every now and then. Meditation, veganism, and now fasting? I’m transforming into quite the hippie, aren’t I?

Peace out, party people.

Previously: Taking a Sabbatical with a Fast

Mistaking Climate Change for a Fairy Tale… Sigh

Photo Credit: Christopher Michel

Photo Credit: Christopher Michel

Over the weekend, I helped a friend of a friend for a freelance project. For all intents and purposes, he was a really nice guy albeit a bit overly chatty.

As he yapped my ear off, our conversation veered into a really interesting direction.

Client: So where are you from?

Andre: New Jersey.

Client: Oh man, I feel sorry for you guys. How you holding up with the snow there?

Andre: It’s actually not so bad right n-

Client: You see, this is what I don’t understand. I hear all this talk about global warming, but I think it’s nonsense. How could we get so much snow if global warming is real? Those guys are bulls**t.

Andre:

I wasn’t about to get into this topic because I would school this guy. However, he’s not alone in his thinking. For some reason, there are a number of Americans that debate this as well.

I’m living in Crazy Town.

I can’t blame them though – not totally anyway – because some of our own leaders deny climate change like a bastard child.

No offense to all the bastard children out there.

I LITERALLY heard a politician once say, “I disagree with scientists.” Think about that for a second; the guy who sits in an office all day discussing man-made politics disagrees with people who research things like climate change for a living.

LOL.

That’s no different than Bible thumpers who still think evolution is some theory bred from the bowels of Satan himself. But instead of god being the motivating factor, money is running the show here. Oil companies lobby to keep this machine moving and their friends in high places shovel BS down the public’s throat as a result.

Symbiosis FTW, amirite?

Later that night, I watched an episode of Vice (if you aren’t watching, you totally should) that focused on rising ocean waters and, good Jeebus, is this more of a dire situation than I first thought. Call it willful ignorance on my part, but I had no clue Antarctica was melting at such a rapid rate. I had no clue very flat countries like Bangladesh are already feeling the effects with receding coasts. I had no clue we are facing an inevitable crisis.

Inevitable.

I know, I’m quite the little ray of sunshine today, right?

It seems humanity is in quite the pickle, one that we’re not prepared to eat. But maybe this is something on which we should focus because our future generations will have to carry this weight. I mean, at least I don’t have kids nor do I plan on having them.

But what about all the parents out there? Are they actually cool with this? I really, really hope not because this is the future we’re facing. One day we’ll be gone and someone else will have to bear the weight. If we’re on a runaway train, let’s at least plan on how to brace for its eventual crash.

Or, you know, we can just keep pretending this isn’t a thing.

Experiment: Taking a Sabbatical with a Fast

Photo Credit: Moyan Brenn

Photo Credit: Moyan Brenn

I’m going to try something new this week: I’m going on a fast.

So before the cavalcade of questions regarding my health and sanity come my way, you should know something about me: I’m at a crossroads. An important one at that. At least for me it is. I’m stuck between either working to pursue my dream as a writer or go back to the corporate world to something less fulfilling.

O woe is me. I should be so lucky to have suck minuscule problems.

Yeah, I am lucky. I don’t know if I could ever forget that. Still, this is a decision I have to make nonetheless. The only thing preventing me from moving in a direction either way is fear. If I work a corporate gig, I fear I won’t be happy. If I continue chasing this dream I fear I may not be able to actually become a success because the playing field is so crowded.

So I’ve been at a stalemate. Creatively, I’ve been in a rut and I’m fully aware I’m just going through the motions. Therefore, I’m going to do what I always do in these situations: I’m going to meditate a bunch. Not contemplative meditation; I’m not going to focus on anything. Additionally, I’m going to fast.

But you already knew that.

So what’s the fast have to do with anything. Well, that fear, as minor as it is, is nothing more than an attachment. A fast for me will be a period of ridding myself of attachments. The only television I’ll be watching is the stuff I need for The Gibbler Podcast. No alcohol. No food. Any time not spent working or with my fiance will be dedicated to reading, writing, opportunity hunting, or meditation. All I need is five days.

I’m a big believer in not hunting for answers to questions. I used to hunt, but over the years I’ve found the right answers come to me as long as I’m open to them. This “cleanse,” if you will, is to help me do just that.

I’ve juiced – not the steroid type – before long meditation sessions before and I always felt the difference. A five day fast shouldn’t be too bad as long as I still get water and take a multivitamin. I’ll let you know how this one goes! Hopefully I don’t get the urge to cheat, heh.

I Want to Become a Superhero (I Think)

batman-boy-boys-cute-kid-Favim.com-441391

I’m conflicted, y’all. I’ve been conflicted for about a year now actually and it all has to do with my own knowledge of how this whole funky system is working.

I love being lazy. I also love reading and watching documentaries. The reading and documentary watching, however, is effing up my desire to be lazy. Case in point: the food industry.

As I wrote on here previously, I’m a vegetarian. I dabbled in it in the past, but it was more so for health reasons. After seeing the ugliness of how animals are treated – how they live, what they’re fed, and so on – I gave up on chowing down on animals.

Even you, bacon. I still love you though.

Don’t tell my future wife.

Now I’m on the way to becoming vegan because I became aware of what happens to animals after they can’t produce milk, eggs, etc.

VEGAN.

I used to make fun of vegans. If we were in high school, I’d probably be tempted to steal a vegan’s lunch money, buy a burger, and seductively eat it as a single vegan tear trickles down their vegan cheek.

NOW I’M BECOMING ONE OF THEM.

Well, I watched a documentary called Food Chains that covers how the food industry thrives based on the poverty of farm workers. Not farmers, mind you; those barely exist anymore. I sort of knew these shenanigans were going on, but to hear the details… Good Jeebus….

So now I want to grow my own food too. Problem solved, right?

Nope. Not at all actually.

I watched a documentary called Blackfish that details the straight up grimy nature of Sea World. You know, how they mistreat orcas, how they lied about the death of trainers, and the ILLEGAL way they captured whales.

I read about the lack of integrity in mass journalism. I read about politicians who get away with crimes that affect citizens while low level criminals get prison time like nothing. I read about the outright lies of capitalism and the roots of poverty. I read about how misinterpretations of something as simple as the bible cause the discrimination of, say, homosexuals.

I read too effing much.

Now, I could turn a blind eye to all this and just say I’m going to do me. I’m going to separate from all of this and live the best life I can without contributing to the negativity. It sounded like a perfect plan.

Almost.

I think a lot of people do this. But if everyone does this, the BS continues. Can I sit on this knowledge and try to play the “I’m just one person” card? That just feels like a cop out to me.

Listen, I want nothing more than a quiet life away from everything with the love of my life, but it’s tough for me to just ignore this nonsense. I can do it for a while, but I always come back to this same place. Can I just ignore this and keep living? Am I okay with knowing others suffer to make this machine move?

That’s a lot to ignore. The proverbial elephant in the room, I suppose.

This isn’t a call to action. Everyone is free to do what they want, even if I don’t agree. But I think it’s time for Clark Kent…

Er… Bruce Wayne. Clark Kent is a dork.

…I think it’s time for Bruce Wayne to let the world know he’s not standing for it.

It’s put up or shut up time.

Peace out, party people.

WTF, I’m Actually Lonely

IMG_5934

What’s going on, party people. I don’t do many posts like this, but what writer doesn’t like to switch it up every once in a while?

I should be ashamed to admit this, but I’ve just guzzled a couple glasses of wine and have been stress eating lemon poppy cupcakes all Sex and the City-style.

I mean I just assume that’s what they ate. What would I know about that show?

Why am I doing this? My fiance’s visa expired and she’s on a plane back to Sweden.

WAHHHHH.

Yup, that’s right, folks. I’m lonely. This didn’t even last an hour. Seriously. I don’t know what to do with myself.

At.

All.

HOOOOO-LEEEEEE S***. THIS is loneliness? Like, I’m not moping around, but I constantly catch myself in these sentimental moments. For example, while I was sprawled on the couch, belly filled with cupcakes and Cabernet Savignon…

I keeps it bougie, son.

…I thought to myself, what’s my fiance going to say when she sees me? And I looked at the bedroom door expecting to see her. And I saw nothing, because she’s headed back to Sweden. And I got LONELY.

HOOOOO-LEEEEEE S***. I’m NEVER lonely. Ever. That feeling, it wasn’t quite sadness. It was more like there’s a part of me MISSING. It’s a whole different level. And on that note, I never MISS anyone. Seriously. This may sound harsh to many people who read this, but if you know me at all, you know I mean no malice. But yeah, I don’t miss people. I’m cool with a lot of people but no matter how much time passes, I don’t miss anyone because I know I’ll see them eventually. If we’re cool, we’re cool for life.

Still, I miss my fiance.

Okay, let’s put the pity party on hold for a second and put a positive twist to this. I know where my future is going and who’s coming along for the ride. That’s a  lucky thing. I remember not having that, oscillating between frantically searching for love and not giving damn about it at all. I didn’t even really believe it existed. I just thought it was a word people said, because it’s more polite than saying, “I like having sex with you. And, you know, other stuff.”

Yeah, this is different. I’m ALONE.

I just dropped a piece of popcorn (yes, I’m eating popcorn too) and I rushed to pick it up because I expected the dog to grab it.

HOOOOO-LEEEEEE S***. I miss the dog too.

I’m eating because I don’t know what else to do.

I keep expecting the front door to open because she just went to the store.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Man, I wish everyone in the world is able to find what I found with my girl. For those that can relate, you already know the harsh lesson I had to learn today. When you genuinely meet your other half, the one that you love above ANYTHING else, it’s the greatest feeling in the world. But man, when that’s taken away, it’s rough. I’m happy because we have a plan to get that fiance visa, but until we’re together in the same place again, I think I’ll always be just a little bit lonely.

In other words, love is a motherf*****.

The end.

P.S. I’m giving myself two days max for this pity party and then it’s time to start making this new dream happen.